67. Letter : To the girl I was once in love with !!
I found this letter while I was cleaning my hard disk. I wrote it years back when I was an idiot kid. Now it reads so funny. Sharing it with you as now it holds no value as such to me. But its a good read I guess. I am not proofreading it, so do not mind the bad grammar.
My Dear woman,
I was reading a book lately and it was the autobiography of Isaac Asimov and so delightful its reading was that I decided to choose writing as a part of my career, discussion of which I will do later. However an instance in the book did attract my attention and has refused to disappear from my memory, quoting which I will start my letter to you.
“During the early days of struggle of Isaac Asimov, he was a very difficult writer to deal with and he believed that a good writing always comprises of difficult vocabulary and complex plots. However, his thoughts were changed by an incident which took place very early in his life in an editor’s office where he went to submit a work of his.
After reading his work the editor looked at Asimov and asked him a question.
“Isaac, do you know how Hemingway would have said, ‘The sun rises from the East’”.
“No. how?” Isaac asked him.
“He would have said,’ the sun rises from the East’ ”.
The day onwards Asimov understood a basic guideline for good writing and he followed that for the rest of his life.”
I hope you liked the story and I believe you did because I liked it and we always had the same taste for literature. Henceforth I am going to use the same philosophy in the letter trying to explain to you my point of view in whatever happened between us.
Do I really need to apologize for the last message I send to you. I don't know but right now I am not going to apologize as I don't feel doing so. I might later in the letter but till that I would like to maintain the suspense.
The story started the day I was born. It was 5 June and the year of it will be based on the age what I have told you as I had lied about my age to everyone persistently for the reasons I don't know why; though one reason might be psychological complexes of which my personality is full of I guess. I took the birth and landed on this planet for no better reason than any other human being must be having and that would be, for the heck of it. I don't remember much of my childhood except that I was an easy kid to be raised. I never gave much pain to my parents and I lived a simple life, a fact that I now regret because it destroyed in advance all the memories that I could have had made by doing all the wrong things.
There was nothing much evidently special in my life till I came to Lucknow. My personality though had started to change in the few last places I lived previously, primarily Fatehgarh and Bulandshahar which laid the foundation for future me but didn't do much actually in bringing any major changes; still I admire those times which laid the foundation of my later years.
I came to Lucknow clueless about the world and what it is really about. I was searching myself and I didn't get any answers probably because I didn't have any proper questions to ask or intelligence to create good one . It is very important to ask the right questions otherwise life fools you around in its own vicious circle and you never get skeptical about journey because of human incapacities of looking at just one side of it. The story further is something that I myself will feel bore writing so I am skipping it for I only want to mention things that might interest you.
However it is very much necessary for me to lay down the philosophy that I have developed about life from the time I came to Lucknow as only on it I am living my life now and turning back is an option that I have left way back on the road that I have travelled till now.
I don't know why but I have always idolized woman. I still don't know the origin of my thinking but it is there intact. I love the fact that I am a man and I can worship the most beautiful creation of God, woman. For short period of time, I attributed this trait of mine to pagan rituals in which I could easily confide my thinking believing I got it from there however I merely got the words to my thinking from there and also agreement that I am not alone and only one thinking like that, as it gives a very perverse feeling to one. I thought I was masochistic and liked to be dominated by woman and could live life based on their decision which later proved just a part of my fanciful thinking and not my actual nature. Of course, I got that thinking from books and movies. In fact, I am a very independent individual who likes to do what he likes and do not like anyone dominating him which was a big revelation in itself. However when I am alone and thinking I do feel the need for woman domination and worshipping but the moment woman comes in front of me I lose all the thinking and everything becomes human. I guess I am looking for perfection and bowing against that and when I don’t find that in a woman it sheer becomes an irritation of mine.
When I first met you or I should better quote it, when I first saw you, I thought of you as the most perfect thing I had ever seen in my life, a fact that I have told you many times again and again but my memory still refuses to change the philosophy that is attached to this particular incident considering my thinking about many incidents of my life have changed with the constant change of my thinking over the years. You were the first person I was madly in love and I never thought that I will ever get a chance to even see you again. But it happened and I curse the moment when it happened because sometimes it is better to live in a self created paradise than to encounter the unbearable reality. I realized that though you were very near to my thought of a goddess you were not exactly the same, how could you, since your existence as perfection was purely my own creation. However, you were lying on the periphery of my imagination and more near to perfection. Here I was selfishly thinking all about myself and what do I want, completely neglecting the fact what you desired. I was never the man you dreamed or desired in your life yet you accepted me with open hands for which I am still thankful to you as, as of now you comprise the most memorable part of my memory. I loved every moment I spent with you and I had loved you more than anything else in my life.
But I digress.
Delhi will never be the same without you. I never went to Delhi without thinking of meeting your there, in fact you were the only reason I made so many trips to Delhi. You made Delhi special for me for I never travelled Delhi so much before than I travelled with you. Every place we have been appears special to me now because of you. Still today as I am writing and I am leaving for Delhi tomorrow I want to meet you but I know that is impossible as expecting that will be a big selfish act again on my part to see you for you are always a pleasure to my sight and I know how you would hate to meet me now.
I know you loved me for which I will always be very grateful to you and I am so thankful to circumstances and also a little to my unmanliness that our relationship turned out to be pure (as they say in legends) and platonic (as they say in old Greek).
I have lied to you many times, confession of which I am going to do now. I was always a shy and introvert guy so except Supreeti and two three other flings, I never had any other relationships and even with these girls it was merely friendship and nothing else. And don’t you doubt my manliness as it was not the reason, the reason they just turned out to be my friends was that sooner or later I saw so many imperfections in them that either I felt nauseated by their presence or got bored with them. With my first love I told you about I was in love I guess, though I am still not sure what it was but then again nothing happened. So you see we are even now. I never kissed a girl in my life, leave apart the sex part, though I did get the chances but I lacked the guts. I am though still embarrassed about that movie theatre incident which I don’t know why it happened but I guess my fantasy of eating you conquered my mind for a brief period (Kidding). Sorry to say but you are one tasty dish to have.
I wanted to marry you and I still do. When I close my eye and want to see the person I am spending my life with I always see you and I don’t know why that image is not changing (maybe I have to format my memory hard disk). I always think that no matter what happens, fights, skirmishes, arguments, break ups we will always end up together. Sure recent happenings indicate now that thinking is not coming along. You have turned indifferent towards me and I know the prime reason for that is me and only me, for I know there can’t be any bigger or better reason, “if it has to be anybody than it has to be me” as Constanza puts my condition in better words for me.
Now why I was calling you lately during your exams? It was because for last one year you made me listen to you studying in every exam of yours on phone calls and it was a time for which I wait eagerly, to listen to you reading and studying whole night on phone. I don’t even remember from where I used to arrange for my recharge money. Money being constrain otherwise at that time I would have kept the phone on my ears all the time and hear your voice for the rest of my life for it is the sweetest sound that could fall on anyone’s ear and I was really fortunate that it was falling on mine. I loved being the part of your life, if for a night, for an endeavor of yours that was important for you and suddenly now I feel that that time has become more important for me. You have no idea how many times I have ditched my friends just so that I could hear you learning your chapters during your exams. It always gave me the thinking of manhood and feeling of boyfriend, which I am afraid, you unconsciously always stole from me and deprived me by some times trying to change who I was. I wanted to be your prince charming and your warrior who wanted to fight all the battles for you. Sadly I wasn’t the heroic type I thought I was or you thought I would be. And unfortunately you weren’t that weak to take any help from me. All of a sudden you took that privilege from me of listening to your law craps (which were initially zoology craps) in your exams. I was under the impression that no matter what you will call me during exams and ask to listen to you whole night, but you didn’t.
Since I am out of your life and if I be allowed to give you an advice then it would be only that please give your man (in the coming future) feeling of manliness that he well deserves and is his right as your man.
I apologize for the unchronological (it’s not a word but I am using it) order of the letter but I am writing as it is coming to my mind so enjoy it as it is coming.
Now, my experiences in Mumbai. An interesting chapter. First of all, I would like to thank you for pointing out the fact that I am not a man enough by always pointing out problems in my personality, points that ate me for months through my inner cores before it snatched the hidden manliness from inside of me and brought it out. Last three months if nothing in the process of film making have helped me in making me a man that I never was. Reading Dale Carnegie I decided to follow his principles and with some initial success I later took them for granted that they were all right. Well not much of a surprise that they don’t work all the time as world is not run by rules. Anger was an unexplored emotion to me till now which I am trying to control now. Hard to say this but everything that you said about me came out to be true and everything that you wanted me to become I am finally becoming now (these were the things that I wanted to share with you which like a bad wife you didn’t listen). I was scolded on the set and was treated real rudely, more than that due to my appearance of which I never cared much I was treated like a low life guys which is not a good category until one day every hell in me broke lose and I started talking like I don’t care about anyone and behaved like a real nut. I showed some anger and though I was expecting bad behavior in return, I got good response and respect instead. I think I got my place back. People started treating me with respect. I used to be friendly with everyone earlier and my biggest mistake was that I tried to make everyone happy, which is impossible because someone will always be there to dislike you and it is inevitable, you will be helpless to change their minds about you all the time so for that there is only one thing left to do and that is nothing. A spotboy once made a remark on me, a really bad one and my usual reaction would have been to ignore him, but haha not this time, I scolded him head to toe and to my surprise he started treating me well. I told him his position and mine too. This lifted my manlihood a little, but the real deal came only a day earlier when I was traveling from the train and was coming to Lucknow. Two guys started fighting with me over my seat and I retaliated back so hard on them that they started talking nicely to me. Thinking I was alone they thought that they could manhandle me but again I broke the shell. The credit goes all to you. There are many more instances that I want to tell but then the letter will be too long for your to read (not that it is very small right now).
Now the message, should I…..? I wrote that message because I needed a response from you and I believed that only a derogatory message like that could bring a response. It is always better to be on one side than to be in the road of confusion. Either talk to me or don’t, but at least tell me the status of your mind.
Well, anyways what’s the big deal? You know you were not picking my calls and you know you were avoiding me. You know that you made lame excuses and you know I didn’t buy them. I always think of you as very intelligent girl and probably that’s why I like you so much but don’t insult my intelligence of judging you wrongly. How can you be so wrong in judging me that I will bother you if you will ask me not to? I don’t know what phase of life you are going in right now but I want to tell you that I know that you lied to me a lot about some things for which I am sure you have good reasons and actually I don’t care much about it, because I care about you and what is happening to you, for you matter to me unbelievable as it may seem to you. I love you more than anything and I don’t want to see you sad. I never put a condition that I will marry you or you have to talk to me forever. You can choose not to talk to me or be in any relationship with me but please choose it, not thrust it just because I made the unfavorable circumstances. Human mind, and you know it better, is a marvelous machine. It feeds on the food that you provide. I can leave you behind and move ahead, forget you forever and never think about you again. You can do the same, perhaps you have already done it, I don’t know. But one thing that human civilization has learned from its history of survival is that not every time good things happen to people and some people are lucky to have perfect lives. With you I think I could have had a perfect life.
And don’t judge it by our meetings. We both can’t bear the sight of each other whenever we met because we don’t meet often and long distance relationships don’t work. I am only comfortable in the mode of communication in which I communicated with you and that was phone, I don’t care who comes to meet me in Delhi because I am in love with that girl on phone and her voice. If somebody else comes to meet me in Delhi I might behave the same as I behaved with you. Same applies to you.
All I can say in the end is that I am improving and I am improving for good. I want to take care of you and want to spend my life with you. Yes it is a proposal and you can duly reject it of which I am equally prepared because I know your answer from your indifferent attitude, yet it is perfunctory for me to ask this, as I don’t want to regret this one thing in my life that the person I loved most in my life went away from me and I sat like coward watching her go away.
I love you and I love you more than anything (I have lately discovered that there are not many adjectives you can put to actually intensify the word ‘love’ such as to match the resonance of your actual feeling) but I know slowly with the ticking of time the sand dunes of my memory will wash and a new land will surface on but till then I will always think of you and that I can promise.
I am tired now, I had lots of things to tell you but I guess writing is a tiresome process and I want to end my letter now. I might write you another letter in some time and it is no obligation for you to reply. I just like to tell you what is happening in my life, which surprisingly relaxes me.
You will always be my that wife which could never become one.
I am coming to Delhi tomorrow and I could die to see you for one last time, only if you wish. Please fulfill this request of mine for old time’s sake.
Your’s Truly.
I was reading a book lately and it was the autobiography of Isaac Asimov and so delightful its reading was that I decided to choose writing as a part of my career, discussion of which I will do later. However an instance in the book did attract my attention and has refused to disappear from my memory, quoting which I will start my letter to you.
“During the early days of struggle of Isaac Asimov, he was a very difficult writer to deal with and he believed that a good writing always comprises of difficult vocabulary and complex plots. However, his thoughts were changed by an incident which took place very early in his life in an editor’s office where he went to submit a work of his.
After reading his work the editor looked at Asimov and asked him a question.
“Isaac, do you know how Hemingway would have said, ‘The sun rises from the East’”.
“No. how?” Isaac asked him.
“He would have said,’ the sun rises from the East’ ”.
The day onwards Asimov understood a basic guideline for good writing and he followed that for the rest of his life.”
I hope you liked the story and I believe you did because I liked it and we always had the same taste for literature. Henceforth I am going to use the same philosophy in the letter trying to explain to you my point of view in whatever happened between us.
Do I really need to apologize for the last message I send to you. I don't know but right now I am not going to apologize as I don't feel doing so. I might later in the letter but till that I would like to maintain the suspense.
The story started the day I was born. It was 5 June and the year of it will be based on the age what I have told you as I had lied about my age to everyone persistently for the reasons I don't know why; though one reason might be psychological complexes of which my personality is full of I guess. I took the birth and landed on this planet for no better reason than any other human being must be having and that would be, for the heck of it. I don't remember much of my childhood except that I was an easy kid to be raised. I never gave much pain to my parents and I lived a simple life, a fact that I now regret because it destroyed in advance all the memories that I could have had made by doing all the wrong things.
There was nothing much evidently special in my life till I came to Lucknow. My personality though had started to change in the few last places I lived previously, primarily Fatehgarh and Bulandshahar which laid the foundation for future me but didn't do much actually in bringing any major changes; still I admire those times which laid the foundation of my later years.
I came to Lucknow clueless about the world and what it is really about. I was searching myself and I didn't get any answers probably because I didn't have any proper questions to ask or intelligence to create good one . It is very important to ask the right questions otherwise life fools you around in its own vicious circle and you never get skeptical about journey because of human incapacities of looking at just one side of it. The story further is something that I myself will feel bore writing so I am skipping it for I only want to mention things that might interest you.
However it is very much necessary for me to lay down the philosophy that I have developed about life from the time I came to Lucknow as only on it I am living my life now and turning back is an option that I have left way back on the road that I have travelled till now.
I don't know why but I have always idolized woman. I still don't know the origin of my thinking but it is there intact. I love the fact that I am a man and I can worship the most beautiful creation of God, woman. For short period of time, I attributed this trait of mine to pagan rituals in which I could easily confide my thinking believing I got it from there however I merely got the words to my thinking from there and also agreement that I am not alone and only one thinking like that, as it gives a very perverse feeling to one. I thought I was masochistic and liked to be dominated by woman and could live life based on their decision which later proved just a part of my fanciful thinking and not my actual nature. Of course, I got that thinking from books and movies. In fact, I am a very independent individual who likes to do what he likes and do not like anyone dominating him which was a big revelation in itself. However when I am alone and thinking I do feel the need for woman domination and worshipping but the moment woman comes in front of me I lose all the thinking and everything becomes human. I guess I am looking for perfection and bowing against that and when I don’t find that in a woman it sheer becomes an irritation of mine.
When I first met you or I should better quote it, when I first saw you, I thought of you as the most perfect thing I had ever seen in my life, a fact that I have told you many times again and again but my memory still refuses to change the philosophy that is attached to this particular incident considering my thinking about many incidents of my life have changed with the constant change of my thinking over the years. You were the first person I was madly in love and I never thought that I will ever get a chance to even see you again. But it happened and I curse the moment when it happened because sometimes it is better to live in a self created paradise than to encounter the unbearable reality. I realized that though you were very near to my thought of a goddess you were not exactly the same, how could you, since your existence as perfection was purely my own creation. However, you were lying on the periphery of my imagination and more near to perfection. Here I was selfishly thinking all about myself and what do I want, completely neglecting the fact what you desired. I was never the man you dreamed or desired in your life yet you accepted me with open hands for which I am still thankful to you as, as of now you comprise the most memorable part of my memory. I loved every moment I spent with you and I had loved you more than anything else in my life.
But I digress.
Delhi will never be the same without you. I never went to Delhi without thinking of meeting your there, in fact you were the only reason I made so many trips to Delhi. You made Delhi special for me for I never travelled Delhi so much before than I travelled with you. Every place we have been appears special to me now because of you. Still today as I am writing and I am leaving for Delhi tomorrow I want to meet you but I know that is impossible as expecting that will be a big selfish act again on my part to see you for you are always a pleasure to my sight and I know how you would hate to meet me now.
I know you loved me for which I will always be very grateful to you and I am so thankful to circumstances and also a little to my unmanliness that our relationship turned out to be pure (as they say in legends) and platonic (as they say in old Greek).
I have lied to you many times, confession of which I am going to do now. I was always a shy and introvert guy so except Supreeti and two three other flings, I never had any other relationships and even with these girls it was merely friendship and nothing else. And don’t you doubt my manliness as it was not the reason, the reason they just turned out to be my friends was that sooner or later I saw so many imperfections in them that either I felt nauseated by their presence or got bored with them. With my first love I told you about I was in love I guess, though I am still not sure what it was but then again nothing happened. So you see we are even now. I never kissed a girl in my life, leave apart the sex part, though I did get the chances but I lacked the guts. I am though still embarrassed about that movie theatre incident which I don’t know why it happened but I guess my fantasy of eating you conquered my mind for a brief period (Kidding). Sorry to say but you are one tasty dish to have.
I wanted to marry you and I still do. When I close my eye and want to see the person I am spending my life with I always see you and I don’t know why that image is not changing (maybe I have to format my memory hard disk). I always think that no matter what happens, fights, skirmishes, arguments, break ups we will always end up together. Sure recent happenings indicate now that thinking is not coming along. You have turned indifferent towards me and I know the prime reason for that is me and only me, for I know there can’t be any bigger or better reason, “if it has to be anybody than it has to be me” as Constanza puts my condition in better words for me.
Now why I was calling you lately during your exams? It was because for last one year you made me listen to you studying in every exam of yours on phone calls and it was a time for which I wait eagerly, to listen to you reading and studying whole night on phone. I don’t even remember from where I used to arrange for my recharge money. Money being constrain otherwise at that time I would have kept the phone on my ears all the time and hear your voice for the rest of my life for it is the sweetest sound that could fall on anyone’s ear and I was really fortunate that it was falling on mine. I loved being the part of your life, if for a night, for an endeavor of yours that was important for you and suddenly now I feel that that time has become more important for me. You have no idea how many times I have ditched my friends just so that I could hear you learning your chapters during your exams. It always gave me the thinking of manhood and feeling of boyfriend, which I am afraid, you unconsciously always stole from me and deprived me by some times trying to change who I was. I wanted to be your prince charming and your warrior who wanted to fight all the battles for you. Sadly I wasn’t the heroic type I thought I was or you thought I would be. And unfortunately you weren’t that weak to take any help from me. All of a sudden you took that privilege from me of listening to your law craps (which were initially zoology craps) in your exams. I was under the impression that no matter what you will call me during exams and ask to listen to you whole night, but you didn’t.
Since I am out of your life and if I be allowed to give you an advice then it would be only that please give your man (in the coming future) feeling of manliness that he well deserves and is his right as your man.
I apologize for the unchronological (it’s not a word but I am using it) order of the letter but I am writing as it is coming to my mind so enjoy it as it is coming.
Now, my experiences in Mumbai. An interesting chapter. First of all, I would like to thank you for pointing out the fact that I am not a man enough by always pointing out problems in my personality, points that ate me for months through my inner cores before it snatched the hidden manliness from inside of me and brought it out. Last three months if nothing in the process of film making have helped me in making me a man that I never was. Reading Dale Carnegie I decided to follow his principles and with some initial success I later took them for granted that they were all right. Well not much of a surprise that they don’t work all the time as world is not run by rules. Anger was an unexplored emotion to me till now which I am trying to control now. Hard to say this but everything that you said about me came out to be true and everything that you wanted me to become I am finally becoming now (these were the things that I wanted to share with you which like a bad wife you didn’t listen). I was scolded on the set and was treated real rudely, more than that due to my appearance of which I never cared much I was treated like a low life guys which is not a good category until one day every hell in me broke lose and I started talking like I don’t care about anyone and behaved like a real nut. I showed some anger and though I was expecting bad behavior in return, I got good response and respect instead. I think I got my place back. People started treating me with respect. I used to be friendly with everyone earlier and my biggest mistake was that I tried to make everyone happy, which is impossible because someone will always be there to dislike you and it is inevitable, you will be helpless to change their minds about you all the time so for that there is only one thing left to do and that is nothing. A spotboy once made a remark on me, a really bad one and my usual reaction would have been to ignore him, but haha not this time, I scolded him head to toe and to my surprise he started treating me well. I told him his position and mine too. This lifted my manlihood a little, but the real deal came only a day earlier when I was traveling from the train and was coming to Lucknow. Two guys started fighting with me over my seat and I retaliated back so hard on them that they started talking nicely to me. Thinking I was alone they thought that they could manhandle me but again I broke the shell. The credit goes all to you. There are many more instances that I want to tell but then the letter will be too long for your to read (not that it is very small right now).
Now the message, should I…..? I wrote that message because I needed a response from you and I believed that only a derogatory message like that could bring a response. It is always better to be on one side than to be in the road of confusion. Either talk to me or don’t, but at least tell me the status of your mind.
Well, anyways what’s the big deal? You know you were not picking my calls and you know you were avoiding me. You know that you made lame excuses and you know I didn’t buy them. I always think of you as very intelligent girl and probably that’s why I like you so much but don’t insult my intelligence of judging you wrongly. How can you be so wrong in judging me that I will bother you if you will ask me not to? I don’t know what phase of life you are going in right now but I want to tell you that I know that you lied to me a lot about some things for which I am sure you have good reasons and actually I don’t care much about it, because I care about you and what is happening to you, for you matter to me unbelievable as it may seem to you. I love you more than anything and I don’t want to see you sad. I never put a condition that I will marry you or you have to talk to me forever. You can choose not to talk to me or be in any relationship with me but please choose it, not thrust it just because I made the unfavorable circumstances. Human mind, and you know it better, is a marvelous machine. It feeds on the food that you provide. I can leave you behind and move ahead, forget you forever and never think about you again. You can do the same, perhaps you have already done it, I don’t know. But one thing that human civilization has learned from its history of survival is that not every time good things happen to people and some people are lucky to have perfect lives. With you I think I could have had a perfect life.
And don’t judge it by our meetings. We both can’t bear the sight of each other whenever we met because we don’t meet often and long distance relationships don’t work. I am only comfortable in the mode of communication in which I communicated with you and that was phone, I don’t care who comes to meet me in Delhi because I am in love with that girl on phone and her voice. If somebody else comes to meet me in Delhi I might behave the same as I behaved with you. Same applies to you.
All I can say in the end is that I am improving and I am improving for good. I want to take care of you and want to spend my life with you. Yes it is a proposal and you can duly reject it of which I am equally prepared because I know your answer from your indifferent attitude, yet it is perfunctory for me to ask this, as I don’t want to regret this one thing in my life that the person I loved most in my life went away from me and I sat like coward watching her go away.
I love you and I love you more than anything (I have lately discovered that there are not many adjectives you can put to actually intensify the word ‘love’ such as to match the resonance of your actual feeling) but I know slowly with the ticking of time the sand dunes of my memory will wash and a new land will surface on but till then I will always think of you and that I can promise.
I am tired now, I had lots of things to tell you but I guess writing is a tiresome process and I want to end my letter now. I might write you another letter in some time and it is no obligation for you to reply. I just like to tell you what is happening in my life, which surprisingly relaxes me.
You will always be my that wife which could never become one.
I am coming to Delhi tomorrow and I could die to see you for one last time, only if you wish. Please fulfill this request of mine for old time’s sake.
Your’s Truly.
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